Just for fun!
SCHOOL -1957 vs. 2007
Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school
parking lot
with shotgun in gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and
gets
his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never
sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and
teachers.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them
with
assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. The parents sue the
school
and each other.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal.
Returns
to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD.
School
gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives
him a
whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and
becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and
joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers
being
abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with
psychologist. Neighbor sues to replace his car.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car
searched
for drugs and weapons. Parents sue school district.
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally
explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist.
ACLU
files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English
teacher.
English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends
up mowing
lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts
them in
a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic
terrorism,
FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated,
Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee.
He is
found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She
faces 3
years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy. Johnny's
family sues
the school district.
_________________________
The inventor of
the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and
went to heaven. At the
gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been
such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward
is,
you can hang out with
anyone you want in Heaven.
"Arthur
thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out
with God."
St. Peter
took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God
recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented
the
Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur
said, "Yep, that's me."
God said, "Well, what's
the big deal in inventing something that's pretty
unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur
was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't
You
the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes."
"Well," said Arthur,
"professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you may have
some good points there,"
replied God, "Hold on."
God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and
waited
for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it "Well, it may
be
true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to
these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.
+++++++++++++++++++
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and
was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing
God, she asked, "Is my time up"? God said, "No, you have another 43
years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to
stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement,
boob job, liposuction, and a tummy tuck.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an
ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the
ambulance?"
God replied, "Girrrlllllll, I didn't even recognize you!"
****************
So you thought police officers didn't have a sense of humor....
The following were
taken off of actual police car videos around the country.
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out
after
you wear them awhile."
#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless
document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't
know, that
is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."
#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write
anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will
help.
Oh . did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or
I'll
give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or
not.
Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
ride on
rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey s#*!."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
#2 “I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At
least you know someone who can post your bail."
And the best one..................................................
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? ...... You're right, we
don't...Sign here."
****************
Q. What do you call it when someone farts in a gay bar?
A. A love call.
Q. How do you give a blind queer a thrill?
A. Leave the plunger in the toilet.
Q. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?
A. No ball room
Q. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A. The position of the dirt bag.
Q. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A. Doughnuts.
Q. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room
together?
A. 100 people who don't do dick.
Q. What do attorneys use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A. 45 lbs.
Q. Why does a dog lick its penis?
A. Because it can't make a fist.
Q. What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail?
A. I feel like a kid again!
Q. What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the factory?
A. Two test tickles
Q. Why did God create alcohol?
A. So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.
Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A. Sexual harassment.
Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A. $3.99 a minute.
Q. What's the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Q. Did you hear about the gay truckers?
A. They exchanged loads.
Q. What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?
A. A fruit stand!
**************************************
A man went to pick up his date but he was having some trouble
with his flatulence
system, in other words he couldn't stop farting so when he had to wait for the
young
woman to get ready for the date he sat on the lounge and let out just a little
fart
when the dog hopped onto the couch with him. He figured that the parents would
think
it was the dog. Every time he farted the young girl's parents told the dog to
get
off the couch and so the man kept going, finally he let rip and the parents
finally
told the dog to get off the couch before the man shit on him!
---------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every
evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with
anybody
who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the
Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is
Larry's
bar?"
---------------------------------
The couple had been married for twenty years. It was a happy, wonderful
marriage,
except that the wife was very unfaithful. The husband finally got so tired of
her
unfaithfulness that he made her promise to never again be untrue to him. One day
he
came home and found her in bed with a midget. He cried out, "My wife, my love,
after
you made all those promises, I find you in bed with another man, and a midget at
that!" She replied, "My dearest husband, the love of my life, do you not believe
me,
do you not see, do you not understand? I am tapering off."
---------------------------------
Two men are sitting in the doctor's office. The one looks at the other one and
says,
"What are you here for?" The man replied "I have a red ring around my pecker,
What
are you here for?" The other man said, "I have a green ring around my pecker."
The
doctor called the man with the red ring first in his office and examined him. As
he
was walking out he told the other guy it was no problem. The doctor called the
man
in with the green ring around his pecker and examined him. The doctor says,
"Your
pecker is gonna fall off and you are gonna die". The mans says, "What?? You told
the
man with the red ring he was ok, but I'm gonna die??" The doctor said, "Yes but
there's a lot of difference lipstick and gangrene!"
---------------------------------
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by
St.
Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you
six
months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring
a
bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He
reads
the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the
paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
---------------------------------
There were these three farmers that wanted to win the state fair contest for
having
the largest hog. They decide that they should stick a cork in the pigs ass and
feed
him for a month before the fair. The only problem was that none of them wanted
to be
the one to stick the cork in. So they bought a monkey and trained him to stick
corks
in bottles. After a week or two of this, they stick the monkey in the pen with
the
pig and a cork, and after a minute, the monkey did what he was supposed to do.
The
farmers fed the pig for a month and sure enough, they won first prize. Once they
got
home, they realized they still had to take the cork out. So they trained this
same
monkey to take corks out of bottles. They stuck the monkey in the pen with the
pig,
and the farmers woke up three days later in the hospital with a reporter sitting
next to them. The reporter asked the first farmer, "What is the last thing you
remember?" "Shit flying everywhere," the farmer replied. The reporter asked the
second farmer the same question and got the same response. When she got to
the
third farmer and asked him what he could remember, he started crying. The
reporter
asked, "What's the matter?" The farmer replied, "The last thing I remember is
the
look on the poor monkey's face as he tried to stick the cork back in."
---------------------------------
A fellow went off on his honeymoon, and after returning meets up with a friend
for a
beer and conversation. The friend, being single and a pervert to boot, begins to
inquire as to the festivities of the honeymoon. "So, Bob, big married man, did
ya
get any while you were out there?" the friend asks. Bob just shakes his head.
"Ah,
you know me. I like to fish. So I just fished." His friend gasps. "You mean you
didn't have no sex? C'mon, Bob, tell me at least got a blowjob!" Bob again
shakes
his head. "Naw, she had pyorrhea, so I just fished. You know I like to fish."
His
friend replies, "Bob, she's your god damn wife! She's gotta give it up when you
say!
You should just made her do it!" Bob replies, "Nah, she had gonorrhea, and you
know
me. I like to fish, so I just fished." His friend, now quite upset, says,
"What?!
Why didn't ya just pork it up her ass?" "Well," says Bob, "she had
diarrhea...and
you know me, I like to fish. So I just fished." His friend, totally exasperated
by
this
point, shouts at him, "Jesus! Why'd you marry this sick bitch anyway?!"
Bob
replies, "Well, she got worms, and you know how I like to fish..."
---------------------------------
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7
more
children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more
children. Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for
this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they’re finally together.”
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her
first, second or third husband?” The friend replied, “I think he means her
legs.”
---------------------------------
One Night After Watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire... A man and his wife
went to
bed and the man was getting very frisky. He asked his wife if she was in the
mood.
His wife answered, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache." The man replied, "Is
that
your final answer?" She said "Yes." "OK, then I'd like to phone a friend." he
replied.
---------------------------------
There was this geriatric woman who thought she needed some toughening to cope
with
today's world, and decided to join a gang. She rocked up to the Hell's Angels
bikers
club and tapped on the door. "Excuse me, sirs, I'd like to join your club if you
please" she croaked in her feeble voice. A grunt came from inside, "Ha! You got
no
chance, woman. We only take the toughest into our club. You can only join if you
drink!". "Oh boy, do I drink! I slam a few down every night after playing pool
with
the boys" she croaked back. "Oh, umm, well... you can only join if you smoke" he
lied, trying to brush her off. "Does marijuana count? Coz I don't mind a few
joints
after playing pool with the boys". "Umm, I suppose it does count..." the biker
said,
and, thinking quick on his feet said "Look, we're a gang only for the roughest,
toughest men in town. Now, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
"No," she replied, "but I've been swung around by the tits a few times".
---------------------------------
A friend asked me the other day why I never got married. I replied "Well, I
guess I
just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect
girl."
"Oh, come on now," said my friend. "Surely you have met at least one girl that
you
wanted to marry."
"Yes, there was one girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl -- the
only
perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything... I really
mean
that she was the perfect girl for me."
"Well, why didn't you marry her?" asked my friend. I shrugged my shoulders and
replied, "She was looking for the perfect man."
---------------------------------
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost
twenty-four hours on the road, they decide to stop at a nice hotel and take a
room.
They only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they
check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man
explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk
although
it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk
explains
that $350 is the standard rate, the man insists
on speaking to the manager.
The manager enters the conversation and explains that the hotel has an
Olympic-sized
pool and a huge conference center which were available for the husband and wife
to
use.
He also explains that they could have taken in one of the shows which the hotel
is
famous for. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas
perform
here,"
explains the manager.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't
use it!"
The manager is unmoved. Eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes
a
check and hands it to the manager. "But sir," the managers says, "this check is
only
made out for $100."
"That's right," replies the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"What! I didn't sleep with your wife!" exclaims the manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
---------------------------------
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was
in
full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along
with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the
plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is
especially
beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking
with
your partner!"
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his
hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while
we
walk?"
********************************************
They are out there and have all the rights you
have!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun
waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When
my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for some time),
she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
....She also votes!
***************
I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I
got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open.
I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call
quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific." He also votes!
****************
So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we
overheard one of the admin. assistants talking about the sunburn she
got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but
"didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving." ...
She also votes!
****************
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut
through a seatbelt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. ...
My sister also votes!
*************************
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The
cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. ...He also votes!
*********************
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain
rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose
and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is
turned. ....My friend also votes!
************************
My girlfriend and I were picking up some sandwiches from the sub place
last week and she asked the clerk which of two sandwiches was better. The
clerk didn't have an opinion but did say that the first sandwich was more
expensive. My girlfriend got a quizzical look on her face and asked,
"If that's the case, why are they both listed with the same price on the
menu?" To this, the clerk responded, "I don't think we add tax to the turkey."
....The clerk also votes!
*********************
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to
the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed
up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained
professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane
arrived
yet?"....She also votes!
***********
THE FUNNIES PAGE from our News letter
By Rich Galbraith
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE !!!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One US leader.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
Because Janet Reno is her real father.
What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don't do dick.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.....
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
How do you know Michael Jackson has a hot date?
There is a tricycle parked in the driveway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brain
Cramps
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because
if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot
live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
``````````````````````````````````
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I
can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all
those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
````````````
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your
life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal
anti-smoking campaign.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston
Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
`````````````````````````````````````````````
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the
country" --
Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
`````````````````````````````
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the
president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
````````````````````````````````````````````````````
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm
just the one to do it,"
--A democratic congressional candidate in Texas.
````````````````````````````
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
``````````````````````````````````
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our
air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
(DUH)
```````````````````
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle
``````````
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee
Iacocca
```````````
"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman
Einstein." --
Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.
````````````````````````````````````````````
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--
Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
`````````````````````````````````
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President
``````````````````
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP (man he's smart)
````````````````
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
``````````````````````
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received
notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a
change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
````````````````````````````````````````````
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to
bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning,
when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
````````````````````````
....Feeling
smarter yet?
Send it on to your other brilliant friends,
like I am doing!!
Life is like a puzzle, left to go the way it will, the pieces simply fall
into place. I guess on the other hand, if you force the pieces to fit now,
something will not fit in the future.
********
A man wakes up one morning to find a
gorilla on his roof. So he looks In the yellow pages
and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers."
He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says
he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his
van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and
a mean old pit bull.
What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof,
then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla
off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained
to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will
then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage
in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof. . . . . . . .
"shoot the dog"
*********************************************
Florida Blonde in Pennsylvania
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of
her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker
lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are
losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck
stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the
trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the
blonde says
brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of
breath,
the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is
Heather,
and you are losing some of your load!
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next
light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the
truck, and
runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she
lowers it,
he says..."Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in PENNSYLVANIA and I'm
driving the SALT TRUCK.
**********************
A crusty old biker walks into a
bank and says to the woman at the teller
window "I want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account
now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform
him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have
to listen to that foul language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old biker, "Sir,
what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million
dollars in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account
in this damn bank!"
"I see, " says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard damn time?"
*****
The story of
Onestone, the Indian Brave.
This was his Indian name given to him because he had only one testicle.
After years and years of this torment Onestone cracked and said, "If
anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said,
"Good morning
Onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest. There he
shagged her all day, he shagged her all night, he shagged her
all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant business.
Years went by until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to
the village
after many years away.
Yellow Bird who was Blue Bird's cousin
was overjoyed when she saw
Onestone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he shagged
her all day, shagged her all night, shagged her all the next day, shagged
her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of the story?
You can't kill two
birds with one stone
****
You know you're living in 2003 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do
not have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work, you still answer the
phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to
get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
long-service awards.
13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your
"friends".
15. You got this e-mail from a friend that never talks to you any
more, except to send you jokes from the net.
16. You are too busy to notice there was not a No. 9 in this list.
17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9.
(I bet you all did this one!)
*************************
*****************
Since I have to be politically correct - I will now give you animal jokes....
A
Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, "I
have a question that haunted me all of my days on earth... Am I a white horse
with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes?" St Peter said, "That's
a question only God can answer." So the zebra went off in search of God. When he
found Him, the zebra asked, "God, please - I must know - am a white horse with
black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes?" God simply replied, "You
are what you are." The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him,
"Well, did God straighten out your query for you?" The zebra looked puzzled. "No
sir, God simply said "you are what you are". St. Peter smiled and said to the
zebra, "Well then, that answers it - you are a white horse with black stripes."
The zebra asked St. Peter, "How do you know that?" "Because," said St. Peter,
"if you were a black horse with white stripes, God would have said "You is what
you is.
The Boss
A mild mannered man is tired of his wife always bossing him around, so he decides to go to a psychiatrist. The Dr tells him he has to develop self-esteem. The Dr gives him a booklet on assertive training and the man reads it on the way home. When he walks through the door and his wife comes to greet him, he tells her "from now on I am the man of this house and my word is law. When I come home from work I want my dinner. Now get upstairs and lay me some clean clothes on the bed because I am going out with the boys tonight. Then draw my bath. And when I get out of the tub, guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair?" "The Undertaker", she replies.
***
There have been many viruses on the web in the past few years, we have made a list of some of the most interesting.
THE AL GORE Virus.... (Causes your computer
to just keep counting and counting)
THE
PROZAC virus... (Totally screws up your RAM, but
your processor doesn't care)
THE JOEY
BUTTAFUOCO virus... (Only attacks minor files)
THE ARNOLD
SCHWARZENEGGER virus.. (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)
and the favorite...
THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)
***
At one local
church, Joe was in charge of taking up the offerings. One Sunday after the
services, the priest counted the cash and found it was smaller than anticipated.
So he questioned Joe. He told him that it did not seem enough for the size of
the congregation. Joe said that he did not take any of the offering. The priest
again questioned him and again he said that he did not take any of the offering.
So the priest said "get in the confessional" which Joe did. Then the priest
asked him did you take any of the offering and this time he said "I can't hear
you". Again the priest asked "Joe did you take any of the offering?" Again Joe
answered "I can't hear you". This time the priest yelled "JOE DID YOU TAKE ANY
OF THE OFFERING" Again Joe answered "I can't hear you". By this time the priest
was getting a little angry so he came out of the confessional and said "Joe
trade places with me and you can ask me a question ."So they traded places and
Joe asked " I hear that you and my wife are having an affair, is that true? "To
which the priest answered "By Golly you can't hear in here"
*******
Husband and wife go off to bed. As soon as they settle
down, the man leans over and whispers softly "hey snuggle, your little
hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet." The wife takes the hint and
says "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first." So off she goes, but on her way
back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband
jumps up, all concerned. "Oh my little hunny bunny, is your nosey-wosey all
right?" No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad sex for two
hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way back
she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the
floor. Her husband looks over and grunts, "clumsy bitch."
*************
To ensure we Americans never offend
anyone--particularly fanatics intent on
killing us--airport screeners are not allowed to profile people. They will,
however, continue to perform random searches of 80-year-old women, little
kids, airline pilots with proper identification, Secret Service agents who
are members of the President's security detail, and 85-year old Congressmen
with metal hips.
Let's pause a moment and take the following test...
1. In 1972, 11 Israeli athletes were killed at the Munich Olympics by:
(a) Your Grandmother;
(b) The night cleaning crew at Rockefeller Center;
(c) A Mom & her 6 year old son visiting from Iowa; or
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
2. In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
(a) Norwegians from the Lichen Herbarium of the University of Oslo;
(b) The Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders;
(c) A tour bus full of 80-year-old women; or
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
3. In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
(a) A pizza delivery boy;
(b) A woman who was 8 months pregnant;
(c) Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day; or
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
4. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
(a) A college girl;
(b) A businessman on his way to Detroit;
(c) Butch and Sundance, who had a few sticks of dynamite left over from
their train mission; or,
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
5. In 1993, the World Trade Center was bombed by:
(a) The cast of "Cats";
(b) Martha Stewart;
(c) Cheese-crazed tourists from Wisconsin; or
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
6. In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
(a) Mr. Rogers;
(b) Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems;
(c) A family on their way to Disneyworld; or
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
7. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked and destroyed by:
(a) Bugs Bunny, Will E. Coyote, Daffy Duck, and Elmer Fudd.
(b) A firefighter,
(c) A doctor traveling to a conference,
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
Hmmm...nope, ain't no patterns here. Darned if I know why we should ever
even think about profiling.
***************
While cleaning out the attic one day, a man finds a shoe box with four pennies and $5000 in cash in it. He takes the box down stairs and asks his wife about it. She replies " Honey, I have a confession to make. I’ve been unfaithful to you in the past, and every time it happened I put a penny in the shoe box."
Since they’d been together for 10 years and there were only 4 pennies in the box, the man decides that it’s not worth making a big deal over it. He tells her that he forgives her for being unfaithful, and then asks where the $5000 came from?
The wife answers, "Oh, well every time I got a box full of pennies I rolled’em up and cashed’ em in!
********
With the closing of 2001 and the changing of our club president -
this is the last time I can pick on Ted... So here goes...
How Smart is Ted... Here are terms from his senior year at Norristown High.
Arbitrator (ar'-bi-tray-ter): A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable (uh-voy'-duh-buhl): What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney (buh-lo'-nee): Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette (burn'-a-det): The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize (bur'-gler-ize): What a crook sees with.
Control (kon-trol'): A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters (kown-ter-fit-ers): Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse (i-klips'): What an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper (i'-drop-ur): A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes (\hee'-rhos): What a guy in a boat does.
Misty (mis'-tee): How golfers create divots.
Paradox (par'-u-doks): Two physicians.
Parasites (par'-uh-sites): What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist (farm'-uh-sist): A helper on the farm.
Primate (pri'-mat): Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Relief (ree-leef'): What trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck (rub'-er-nek): What you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress (seem'-stres): Describes 250 pounds in a size six.
Selfish (sel'-fish): What the owner of a seafood store does.
Sudafed (sood'-a-fed): Bringing litigation against the government.
Facts About Ted
The Halloween pumpkin on his front porch has more teeth than his ex-spouse.
He let his twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
Last year he hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
He's been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
He thinks a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
He thinks Genitalia is an Italian airline.
He wonders how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Many members of his family died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"
His ex-wife's hair-do was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
His Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
He thinks the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
He had to remove a toothpick for his wedding pictures.
He thinks bluebook value of his truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
One of his kids was born on a pool table.
When Ted was young his dad walked him to school because both were in the same grade.
He needs one more hole punched in his card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
He has flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in his front yard.
He thinks loading the dishwasher means getting his ex-wife drunk.
His school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."
His toilet paper has page numbers on it...
He dated one of his parents' current spouses in high school.
His grandfather died and left everything to his widow. But she can't touch it until she's fourteen.
His sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.
He thinks Possum is "The Other White Meat"
He carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
He hooked up with his present girlfriend as a result of a message on the wall of the mens' room at the Flying J Truck Stop.
The centerpiece on your dining room table is an original signed work by a famous taxidermist.
He thinks a quarter horse is a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart.
He lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.
His huntin dawg had a litter of puppies in the living room and nobody noticed.
He thinks safe sex is a padded headboard.
He thinks subdivision is part of a math problem.
He thinks there's nothin wrong with incest as long as you keep it in the family.
Taking his wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
He thinks God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.
He believes dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.
he's got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.
He was acquitted for murdering his first wife after she threw out his Elvis tapes.
He thinks watching professional wrestling is foreplay.
The people on Jerry Springer's show reminds him of his neighbors
His whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She lernt to readin'.
He thinks fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph.
He can get dog hair from out of his belly button.
He has a bumper sticker that says, "MY MOTHER'S AN HONOR STUDENT AT SOUTH LITTLE ROCK JR. HIGH."
He takes a six-pack cooler to church.
His family tree has no forks.
He has refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was
snubbed for best picture.
He uses a weedeater in his living room.
He considers his license plate personalized because his dad made it in prison.
He has a rag for a gas cap.
The third grade teacher says little Bubba could be a mathematical genius
because he's got thirteen fingers.
Fifth grade was the best six years of his life.
He has to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
A seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
He has spray painted his girlfriend's name on an overpass.
His lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
His dad walks him to school because they are both in the same grade.
His house doesn't have curtains, but his truck does.
On his first date he had to ask his Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
He thinks the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".
He refers to the fifth grade as, "his senior year".
Three quarters of the clothes he owns have LOGOS on them.
His `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck he drives him around in.
His belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
He's been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
He's just bought an 8-track player to put in your truck.
He climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend his sister's honor.
It's easier to spray weed killer on his lawn than mow it.
He thinks the three primary colors are John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray.
His pickup has a two-tone paint job -- primer red and primer gray.
He's been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.
He dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
His aunt and your grandmother went to the funeral and had a fight over who gets to be the widow.
He can tell his age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
He uses a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
He can change the oil in his truck without ducking his head.
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
He'sa lite beer drinker 'cause he starts drinkin beer when it gets light.
He think the stock market has fence around it.
His stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
He owns a homemade fur coat.
His entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.
His wife has said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
He REFER TO THE TIME YOU WON A FREE CASE OF MOTOR OIL AS "THE DAY MY SHIP CAME IN."
The FBI surrounded his trailer park twice so far this year.
He uses a NASCAR credit card.
His brother-in-law is his uncle AND your grandfather.
His parents met at a family reunion.
He believes that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
He stares at an orange juice container because it says, "CONCENTRATE".
His IDEA OF HIGH-QUALITY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SIX-PACK AND A BUG-ZAPPER.
He couldn't learn to swim because your gene pool is too small.
His wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
He has the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
On Thanksgiving Day he has to decide which pet to eat.
He thinks "taking out the trash" means taking his in-laws to a movie.
His coffee table used to be a cable spool.
He's got Clapper devices controlling the appliances in his house.
He hammers bottle caps into the frame of his front door to make it look nice.
The Home Shopping operator recognizes his voice.
The taillight covers of his car are made of red tape.
He has every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
He's been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
The KKK kicked him out for being a bigot
His kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
He thinks a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
The gas pedal on his car is shaped like a bare foot.
He thinks a turtleneck is a key ingredient for soup.
He thinks the French Riviera is a foreign car.
He no longer drinks wine ever since the screw cap got caught up his nose.
He thinks that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
That billboard that says, "SAY NO TO CRACK" reminds him to pull up his jeans.
He thinks a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
He's got more than three cousins named 'Bubba'.
Hes COME HOME AND FOUND CRIME SCENE TAPE ACROSS his FRONT PORCH.
he has a close relative named "Cletus".
He's won first prize in a tobacco spittin contest over 20 times.
He wishes his outhouse was as nice as those at the state park.
His dog can't watch him eat without getting sick.
He thinks the winter olympic sport of curling is part of the "Big Hair" competition.
When he was little, his front yard got toilet papered and his momma thought it was a gift from God.
He painted a car with house paint.
He's banned from the Norristown Zoo because he disturbs the monkeys.
He has named a child after a dog.
He has more belt-buckles than pants.
He removed the back seat from his car so all his kids could fit in.
He thinks taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
His child's first words were "Attention K-Mart shoppers!"
Philadelphia :
A women in her mid 80's was detained from boarding a plane to California. It was reported she was had in her possession a pair of crocheting needles and was going to make an Afgan...
***
YORK PA: HARLEY TO ABANDON MAKING MOTORCYCLES
Due to a higher volume of sales of clothing, accessories and other harley
paraphernalia, and coupled with tight financial times that put a further squeeze on overpriced,
under performing machinery, Harley Davidson has partnered with Proptronics to produce a specialty motorcycle
called "Stylin Iron". Proptronics is the company famous for making fake appliances that are
used in model homes for purposes of show only. In a brilliant management decision, Harley
Davidson decided to face the fact that the only reason most people buy their equipment is indeed as a
fashion accessory. By building a prop motorcycle, costs can be dramatically cut.
The new "Stylin Iron" will have the look and feel of a real Harley motorcycle and comes equipped with
a recorded potato-potato synthesizer, smoky air pump to simulate exhaust and an adjustable rate oil leak.
The bike is priced at under $1200 and will be available for the upcoming holiday season.
The "Stylin Iron" is expected to be a huge success allowing fashion conscious Harley consumers to
spend even more of their hard earned cash on leather, hats, jeans, Tshirts sunglasses, jewelery ,
leather dog vests and glasses along with
related other junk. Engineers who have tested the "Stylin Iron" claim it performs just as
well on the road given a suitable downhill grade and tailwind.
***
Let's see if I
understand the state of personal responsibility ...
If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap
while driving, she blames the restaurant.
If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll musician
he liked.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer your
family blames the tobacco company.
If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the
school for poor sex education.
If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame
the bartender.
If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot heroin was
dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
And, if your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun
manufacturer.
***
Another (Female person of golden hair persuasion) Joke!
I have to be politically correct!
A blonde moved last spring
to Chicago. One night in late November the
weatherman announced there would be 5 to 7 inches of snow overnight and you
should park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street. The Blonde
said, "Jeez, snow," and dutifully moved her car.
A few nights later the news report said there would be 8 to 10 inches of
snow and cars should be parked on the even-numbered side of the street.
"Jeez, more snow," she said and moved her car.
A week and a half later Denise the blonde and mama were watching the 11
O'clock news during a new snowstorm and the reporter said there would
be...... 18 inches of snow by morning and you should park your car.....
...at which point the power went off. Denise didn't know where the hell to
put the car so she asked mama what she thought.
After a short hesitation and a long gulp of beer she said, "Shoot, why not
just take a chance and leave it in the garage this time!"
***
Top Ten reasons why Harley Riders Don't Wave Back
10. Afraid it will invalidate warranty
9. Leather and studs make it too hard to raise arm.
8. Refuses to wave to anyone whose bike is already paid for.
7. Afraid to let go of the handlebars because they might vibrate off.
6. Rushing wind would blow scabs off the new tattoos.
5. Angry because just took out second mortgage to pay luxury tax on new Harley.
4. Just discovered the fine print in the owners manual and realized H-D is partially owned by those rice-burner companies.
3. Can't tell if other rider are waving or just reaching to cover their ears like everyone else.
2. remembers that last time a Harley rider waved back, he impaled his hand on the spiked helmet.
1. They're jealous that after spending $20,000, they still don't own a Gold Wing.
***
Top Ten Reason Why Gold Wing Riders Don't Wave Back
10. Wasn't sure whether other rider was waving or making an obscene gesture.
9. Afraid might get frostbit if hand is removed form heated grip
8. Has arthritis and the past 400 miles have made it difficult to raise arm.
7. Reflection from etched windshield momentarily blinded him.
6. The expresso machine just finished.
5. Was actually asleep when other rider waved.
4. Was in a three-way conference call with stock broker and accessories dealer.
3. Was distracted by odd shaped blip on radar screen.
2. Was simultaneously adjusting the air suspension, seat height, programmable CD player, seat temperature and satellite navigation system.
1. Couldn't find the "auto wave back" button on the dashboard.
***
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor
of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The
heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to take a look at his
bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a
question?" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the
mechanic
working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands
on a rag and asked, "So
Doc, look at this engine. I can open it up, take valves out, fix them, put in
new parts and when I finish this, it will work just like a new engine. You
could say that we basically do the same work. So why is it that I get a mere
pittance and you get the really big money?
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the
mechanic......
"Try doing it while it's running!"
***
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.
One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing. The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
The first guy responds,
"Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40
years."
***
"Hole Behind"
A man visited a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business
meeting. When he arrived at his motel, he found that he had a lot of
time before the meeting, so he got the directions to a nearby golf
course from the clerk. While playing on the front nine, he thought
over his impending speech and became confused about where he was on
the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He
walked up to her, explained the situation, and asked her if she knew
what hole he was playing.She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so
you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached her again
with the same request.
She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be
on the 13th."Once again, he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went into the clubhouse, where he saw the
lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew
the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the
course often.He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation
for your help. I understand you are in the sales profession. I'm in
sales also. What do you sell?"She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."
"No, I wouldn't." "Well, if you must know," she answered, "I sell Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, "See, I knew you would laugh. "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper
salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
***
And Now for some PMS Jokes!
The term PMS has been mis-understood from the beginning. There are many meanings- here are a few.
Pass My Shotgun
Psychotic Mood Shift
Perpetual Munching Spree
Puffy Mid-Section
People Make Me Sick
Provide Me with Sweets
Pardon My Sobbing
Pimples May Surface
Pass My Sweatpants
Pissy Mood Syndrome
Plainly; Men Suck
Pack My Stuff
Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
***
A PMS Joke told by a woman who has PMS.
> Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Only ONE!! And do you
know WHY? Because no one else in this house
knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb
is
BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before
they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able
to
find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for
the past
17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS
LATER,
the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb
would
STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER
THE
STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER
CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES
OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12' DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! - IT
WOULD TAKE A F__Kin' ARMY TO CLEAN THIS <mailto:#@*$> #@*$!#@!... HOUSE! I'm
sorry...what did you ask me?
***
Due to increasing products
liability litigation, American beer
Brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following
warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers.
These warnings must be placed on the clubhouse walls.
1. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering
what the hell happened to your bra.
2. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
3. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing
like a retard.
4. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your
friends over and over again that you love them.
5. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you
can sing.
6. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe
that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in
the morning.
7. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without
spitting.
8. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have
mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
9. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over
in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or
name you can't remember).
10. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
11. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion
that you are tougher, smarter, faster, sexier, and better looking
than most people.
12. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe
you are invisible.
13. WARNING: The
consumption of alcohol may lead you to think
people are laughing WITH you.
14. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in
the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps
of time may seem to literally disappear.
***
Another Lawyer Joke
One afternoon, a
wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine
when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver
to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he
asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.
"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"
"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and
said, "Come with us." "But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the
second man answered.
"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car
as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir,
you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall."
***
Blue Comet Crash Course on
Etiquette
On Driving:
**When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
**Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. Most consider
it unsafe, if not downright stupid...
**When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
to ask her to bring back beer.
**Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially while
driving.
On Personal Hygiene:
**It is best to partake in some form of personal hygiene.
**Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a
hand-me-down item.
**While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done in private using one's OWN keys.
**The same goes with biting and picking one's toenails. And never
should one partake in this personal endeavor at the dinner table.
While entertaining in Your Home:
**Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good
his manners are.
On Dating:
**If you go fishing, always offer to bait your date's hook, especially
on the first date.
**Be aggressive yet polite. Let her know you are interested: "I've
been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's
bathroom wall two years ago."
**If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water
tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in
frustration.
On Attending The Theatre:
**For the best enjoyment for all, crying babies should be taken to the
lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
**Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.
On Wedding Attendance:
**Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
**If you are so honored to be the groom, it is best to refrain from
bringing a date.
**When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
It's just too hard to explain...
Etiquette for All Occasions:
**Never take alcohol to a job interview, and especially don't offer it
to the interviewer.
**It's considered tacky to take a cooler or bottle to church.
**Always try to identify people in your yard before shooting them.
**Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's
considered tacky to drive the U-Haul van in the funeral procession.
************